Do you want to run away and you want to make very bad decisions?

Macrina: “From hate to love, there is only one step.” 

In 2009, Macrina Liliana received the news that she had an ovarian CA125 test for cancer, a very strong experience for her and one that she shares with Plenilunia readers. When they gave me the news, I said -cancer, me? I had my annual HPV DNA test and other check-ups, I had never had discomfort or any delay in my menstruation, and I had also already had two daughters.

These aspects are part of the HPV test questions they ask you to detect if cancer is possible. But why did I get it? Was it because he smoked 2 or 3 cigarettes before going to sleep or because of the parties he had from time to time? Because? That question has not been answered to this day.

After undergoing several CA125 medical tests to rule out that I could have a fallen womb, that I was pregnant or that I suffered from severe colitis, they detected some tumours that seemed benign, so they performed surgery on me. After the operation, which took a long time because they removed my womb and other things, my Neoplasia doctor, Vicente Rodríguez, told me in a quite serious tone -Macrina, you have OC; I just said thank you.

Thank you?! Thanks to such a terrible CA125 diagnosis? I don’t know if I was still half-blocked because of the anaesthesia, because of what they had just told me or because of whatever, but it didn’t scare me.

Coping with the diagnosis

When I broke the variant news to my daughter Mariana and my sister Norma about my cancer, their reactions were heart-wrenching. I desperately wanted to reassure them that everything would be fine, even though I had no certainty. Despite the grim reality, I didn’t feel scared. Perhaps I was a bit disheartened by the seeming silence in response to my prayers, but overall, I remained surprisingly calm, just slightly annoyed about the upcoming related surgery.

Dr. Rodríguez informed me that chemotherapy would begin soon. Outwardly, I agreed immediately, but internally, I was screaming, “No.” The thought of losing my hair was unbearable. My brother tried to cheer me up by calling me a “cute little alien,” my sister bought me stylish wigs to help me feel better.

You might wonder why I was so focused on my hair. Call it vanity or superficiality, but my long, blonde hair was a significant part of my identity. People often called me the “Barbie” with beautiful hair, even though, ironically, my nephew Pepeto used to joke that I looked like a monkey with a trash truck on my head. Despite these jests, my hair made me feel beautiful.

Chemotherapy with the esteemed HPV specialist Dr. Mónica Serna was a daunting prospect. Especially since she warned me about the physical attribute, I was so proud after testing and would be completely lost during Ca125 treatment. Losing my hair, the very thing that had been my label and identity, was the most painful part of this entire ordeal. However, I had to brace myself for the battle ahead. I focused on recovery rather than appearance, even as it challenged the core of how I saw myself.

Treatment plan

First, I lost weight until woreng sizes smaller than the 7 and t I used to wear. Then, the most horrible thing, my hair began to fall out little by little. I decided to shave my head since I was not going to live through that cancerous hair ordeal. Diary, because when it began to fall, Macrina began to fall, my personality, my self-esteem, everything, I lost everything I was. Zero parties, zero sleep, zero cigarettes, no! It was a delight to savour my cigarette, sleep well, and relax without a partner. The one who, in the first stage of my disease, shoulder-toto shoulder with me. Still, later, I didn’t know how she left, don’t know if my low self-esteem was not enough to relate to another HPV person. What was left of Macrina without the things she enjoyed in life?

But what do you think? My partner gave me the HPV-connected CA125 Cancer as the tests showed and gave me other things, like the love of MY ENTIRE FAMILY. My friends, acquaintances, and people who were not in my life. Their actions and encouraging phrases made Macrina strong. A warrior and a fighter. Wiser of everything, to feel the value of the ramparts of my body. Before the treatments, you take it for granted that they will always be there. I will tell you that it is not cool not to get up on your own, that you cannot eat what you want, you can’t sunbathe.

Hope

Even more so because I love to turn black from sunbathing, I cannot swim when I am a true mermaid. Well, for the moment, a whale, hehe. Not to go to parties or crowded places. To lose a little sight in my eyes due to menopause. The CA125-induced hysterectomy comes early, and there are a series of ups and downs in your hormones, apart from the fact that you also gain weight. To want to run away and want to make very bad decisions.

With this illness, I allowed myself to enrol in a university in the career that I had already given up on to dare to drive my car, which everyone drove except me. Namely, my physique is important, but what is outside does not make what is inside, and what is inside is what moves what is outside. Someone already likes me the way I am, and you know? You don’t have to be afraid of OC; you have to face it. Because it will give you things to love; after all, it is already part of you. You will live with it, even if it is just for a while. He takes away good things from you, but he takes away more bad things from you. There are different types.

I was diagnosed with advanced stage C I.II. 

I have had three cycles of 6 sessions, this last session with a booster a week later. There are other more aggressive types of cancer, but God knows even where we are going to get to. It fills me with courage so that with this illness, or with others, or without illness, you live, you live, and even though that HPV variant testing phrase is already more than trite, give it a try! Don’t stop seeing who you are, what you are, and what you have.

Today, I am already in the Oncology Area for supervision. Since my levels are already normal, I must clarify that I have been under supervision twice in another area, but as the saying goes, “The third time is the charm.”