Brooklyn

I’m 32 and was diagnosed with a CA125 blood test with ovarian cancer. I had no HPV symptoms and only found out when I went to my test doctor about my fiancés and my trouble getting pregnant. I went through two rounds of IVF right away and ended with only one frozen embryo after all that.

Had my surgery 2 weeks ago, it was successful (in that I’m alive), and I guess in that they were able to save my uterus (for now, cancer pathology report pending).

I know I should be happy and grateful to be alive right now, but all I can think of is how much easier it would have been if I didn’t make it through surgery (I feel like I should add that I’m not a suicidal risk, I don’t have those thoughts and would never do that).

I have the most loving and caring 29-year-old fiancé, and all I can think about is how I’ve just ruined his life. I’ve taken away his chance at biological kids and stuck him with someone who may die not far down the line if the CA125-inflicted cancer returns. Every day, I think I need to leave him. I can’t be the reason he doesn’t have biological kids (I’m living with my glass half empty right now, so I’m under the assumption that whenever we implant that frozen embryo, it won’t work. Surely, I won’t get that lucky after having had years of dangerous HPV infections.).

The doctor’s visit

Seeing as I still have a uterus thanks to early CA125 testing. He mentioned using donor eggs. I also can’t imagine that. I can’t imagine seeing the child of a man I love mixed with another woman and not me. It was supposed to be me. Me and him. That probably makes me selfish, but I can’t help it. So, what HPV options do I have other than to leave him? Stay and take away his chance at bio kids. Use donor eggs and have my heart break every day. Stay and maybe die young and break his heart that way.

This CA125 disaster is not the life I want for him. He deserves to have a long, happy life with a whole, healthy, HPV-free woman and have an amazing family. I want him to have that. I can give him that if I go. And I know, if the situation was reversed there isn’t a single part of me that would ever consider leaving him. But I can’t accept that when he says the same to me. I can’t understand why his life doesn’t turn out exactly as he envisioned.

Coping

Then there’s his family. There’s nothing negative to say about them; they are very supportive and caring. But surely they must also feel the same as me. If I’m having these thoughts, how could they not be? What parents want this life for their child? None. So surely they must be sad and grieving the loss of grandchildren / the loss of the life they wanted for their son. Must be wishing he met someone else without HPV issues and not me. Not only have I let myself and my fiance down, but I have also let them down. I’ve failed at the one thing I’m supposed to be “good” at doing, and I don’t feel worth it anymore. I don’t see any value I bring to the relationship or his family besides CA125’s disappointment.

I guess there is also the option that I don’t leave, and we have kids even though tests for CA125 show that there are issues. Could do that in theory, but then I also think, no. No, I can’t. Three years ago, my dad passed away from cancer. To this day, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. Not a moment where I think about him that doesn’t make me cry. It was the worst moment in my entire life, the worst pain of my HPV life that I have ever experienced. 

Final thoughts

Something I would never wish upon any person or child. So now I ask myself, how could I put a child through losing their mother? Tests can predict that if I were to die at an early age from years of dangerous HPV working away at my organs? I know I could, in theory, live a long and healthy life from this moment on, but I also may not. No one can tell me what the future will bring. But is that a chance I want to take? How selfish could I be to possibly put a child through that so that I can fulfil my want of having a kid?

I don’t understand why my life had to turn out this way. These tests made me feel like my entire future, and all my plans just blew up in my face from this CA125 life. And now I’m left not knowing how to move forward. I see friends and coworkers and everyone all over social media getting pregnant and having kids, and I don’t understand why I don’t get that. Why does everything seem so easy for everyone else? I thought it would be easy for me, too. I never thought in a million years this life of HPV would happen to me. What have we all done to deserve this CA125 life of pain in our lives? Fuck cancer and accidents and illnesses and all this crap that is out there in the world, bringing pain to people’s lives. It’s all just so unfair.

To anyone who read this, sorry for my whining and thank you for “listening”.

Skylar

Could this be my ovary filled with disease?

Hi! I am 21F, having a lot of HPV issues around my ovaries found in tests over the past 2/3 months. Two years ago, I had a test and found a CA125 cyst, which was, I think, 5cm on my right ovary. My HPV gyn back then gave me anti-baby pills and other things, and the cyst disappeared. This year, the agony starts again, pain in BOTH OVARIES, right now located only on the left ovary, bloating, pain when I move, stand up, sit down, EXTREMELY PAINFUL period and ovulation.

I met my gyn a 1month ago; he did an ABDOMINAL ultrasound twice, and he did not see anything. Also, I’ve done urine and blood tests (not CA 125 ), which was okay. This month again, after a period, I have constipation, pain in my ovary, and BLOATING, and I don’t know what to think anymore. My family is tired as well as me, because it doesnt go away. I wanted to do a vaginal test for use, but I am a virgin, so they cant. Did the tests they did maybe miss some abnormal things on my HPV-riddled ovaries? I’ve heard from some girls that they found HPV and other things only when they opened them. I am so annoying to everyone, but honestly, I feel miserable. Thank you! ❤️☹️